Barefoot Intonation

Sam and I just enjoyed an excellent bowl of Al Fakher’s finest mango shisha. Khalil Maamoon knows how to drag man. Twas very relaxing and had a nice accompaniment from sirs Faure, Chopin, and Tchaikovsky.  

I could use a few beers. Anybody? 

Somedays I become lonely. Do I become or am I? I’m surrounded by a loving family and wonderful woman to call my love and a soon to be born son and for some reason when they all leave and it’s just me I feel the worst collection of depressing and lonely emotions. It makes me want to feel things. physically. I just want to hear loud things to blow up my eardrums, and eat or drink things and feel my stomach tingle with warmth and drive a car at 70+ miles an hour and feel the car crumble like a jack getting back in the box with me inside it. I’m not saying I’d like to commit suicide I just want to feel extravagant things. I get scared of these feelings. Scared that one day they’ll be here to stay, and I will do whatever it takes to satisfy my cravings for satanic ecstasy, and end up in a puddle on the floor under some great amount of energy that just disintegrated everything but my soul.  

Do any of you ever wonder if you’ll become a shitty poor excuse of a father? Where your son hates your very existence? 

I’m scared. I want the best for him and my family. I want everybody to be proud of me and for me to be proud of myself. But I’m scared that everything I say I will do, and will strive to do won’t be what I actually do. I’m scared that some event will alter my mind to a state of hatred and alcoholism. I don’t want this for my family. Not for my wife, not for my kid. But I can’t help to feel not in control. I can’t help but to feel that whatever it is I want or try to do is in my power. I feel that I can’t control the outcome of my life. I feel like I’m going to be overcome by some sort of evil who is determined to knock me, and only me of the rocker, an that I will be to frustrated and scared to even care to do something about it. 

I feel all of this for short spurts of time in my life, and I always sit here and tell myself to toughen up, shut up and stop being such a poon. Then I do. I shut up and go on again with my proud confident play of importance to my friends and family, because I am aware of what I’m capable of. I will win, I will succeed, and my family will be proud. Not because that is my duty but because it is my soul desire. I love Marissa with my every fiber, and I love Maddox all the bit more. Even though I haven’t met you Maddox, I feel as if I already know you. I can’t wait to hold you and show you everything I have to offer, and for you to bless me with all the gifts that you have to offer that I don’t quite understand yet. I will be the greatest father I can ever be for you, just as my father was for me. 

I’m not the best writer grammatically or creatively. In fact, I’m just not a good writer at all, and some of this sounds kinda gross and cliche. But this is a blog, and on occasion I do feel like using it for a journal of my thoughts, and though the thoughts weren’t entire thoughts till they were typed, I still used it as a diary. 

If you read this, well congratulations you were either really bored and felt like reading something on your dashboard, you were curious what it was that somebody had to say, or for some reason you ‘d care to know what it was that I was writing in my blog. Either way, this isn’t really of importance to anybody and I’m sorry if I just wasted your time.